


The Dread Pirate Newt

by TheRogueHuntress



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Pirate, F/M, Humor, Inspired by Princess Bride, Story within a Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 18:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRogueHuntress/pseuds/TheRogueHuntress
Summary: Of all the pirates on all the seas, Captain Newt was the most fearsome and frightening. His crew consisted only of his First Mate, Tina, a woman that carried two cutlasses and three pistols, and could hit a target the size of a knut at fifty paces; his Cook, Jacob, his baking so delicious he could make a grown man weep; and his Bosun, Queenie, of whom it was said that she when she looked at a man, she could see right into his soul.





	The Dread Pirate Newt

Of all the pirates on all the seas, Captain Newt was the most fearsome and frightening. His crew consisted only of his First Mate, Tina, a woman that carried two cutlasses and three pistols, and could hit a target the size of a knut at fifty paces; his Cook, Jacob, his baking so delicious he could make a grown man weep; and his Bosun, Queenie, of whom it was said that she when she looked at a man, she could see right into his soul.

The Captain was the most terrifying of them all, however, as he commanded a menagerie of fantastic and formidable beasts. Occamy curled in the crow’s nest, calling out warnings when other ships approached. They would dive down onto Newt’s enemies, and grow to awesome sizes, and wrap themselves around the ship in massive coils, and then crush it to pieces. A thunderbird prowled along the deck, and when he did, the winds would ever be in Newt’s favour. Often, a great storm would follow in Newt’s wake, and those who tried to sail through it were never seen again. The swooping evil, it was agreed, scared the men the greatest. Knocking down those that attempted to board Newt’s ship, it would then feast upon their brains, before attacking once more.

_“He does not!” Newt interrupted, frowning at Tina. “I never let him eat anyone’s brain.”_

_Tina crossed her arms. “It’s my story, my rules.”_

_“Brains!” Tristan squeaked. “Eat brains!”_

_Tina smiled fondly down at her nephew. “Only if you’re a swooping evil,” she told him.  She tucked him further under the covers of his bed, his erumpent plushie wrapped tightly in his arms._

However, Newt’s devoted niffler was the most coveted.

 _“Freddie?”_ _Tristan asked, and Freddie himself peaked out from Newt’s pocket, twitching his nose._

_“That’s the one,” Tina said._

For their ability to sniff out treasure, and store impossible amounts of gold in their pouches, nifflers were valued above all else. Newt’s niffler would disappear the moment they made port, escorted by what some claimed was an invisible guardian, and return hours later, having pilfered every piece of gold, every sparkling diamond, every shiny silver item of jewellery. He could steal coin right out of a man’s purse, snatch a watch off a lady’s wrist, and disappear in a flash and a wriggle, through what many would swear were doors sealed tight and locked against entry.

Most importantly, the niffler could sniff out buried treasure.

There were whispers of a chest filled to the brim with coins, buried on small desert island that lay lonely in a wild sea, and could be found only with a compass that never pointed north. And so, Newt, along with his crew, decided to go on a quest.

They sailed north, they sailed south, the sailed east, and they sailed west. But still, the island was not to be found. Until, one day, the occamy cried out that another ship was approaching. Tina peered through her spyglass. There was a man floating on a raft made of sea turtles. It was lashed together, he would tell them, with the hair from his very own back.

He had a compass that never pointed north, and he liked the sound of treasure very much. His name was Jack Sparrow.

_“Captain Jack Sparrow,” Queenie interrupted, a smile upon her lips. “You mustn’t forget that.”_

_“But he’s got no ship,” Tristan argued._

_“That doesn’t mean he’s not a captain,” Tina said. “Now, listen closely.”_

The wild seas threw up storms that blustered at their ship, but the thunderbird took to the sky, and calmed the tempest with a beat of his mighty wings. Sea monsters rammed the ship, tentacles curling along it, but Newt sang them a song so beautiful that they retreated, allowing them safe passage. Finally, they navigated a watery graveyard of ships, and dropped anchor just offshore.

Newt’s niffler was shaking with excitement the moment Jack and he stepped onto dry land. It raced away, and Newt laughed and followed, Jack hot on his heels. They raced through bushes, over logs and under branches, until finally they reached a large clearing. The niffler was already digging, and the captains joined in, uncaring of the heat of the sun breaking across their backs.

They struck gold, a chest so large they could barely lift it. The niffler was already inside, rolling about on the coins, squeaking with delight. But alas, it was not so easy.

Newt may have been the most fearsome pirate captain, but he was not the most ruthless or cruel. Blackhearted Grindelwald stepped out from behind a tree, and demanded from them their treasure, else he would put Tina, Queenie and Jacob to death.

Grindelwald stole the chest, and he and his men marched away, after tying the five of them together so that they could not follow.

But Newt had creatures on his side. Pickett, his bowtruckle, was already working at their bonds, while the niffler hoarded all the gold coins he could in his pouch, then escaped into the forest.

By the time Grindelwald had discovered their trickery, the chest was empty, and they were free. The rowed back to their ship, even as Grindelwald roared his displeasure, and made away from the island as quickly as they could.

Jack, they left in Tortuga, preparing to claim back the Black Pearl, his ship. Captain Newt continued to sail the wild seas, the most feared pirate of them all, with his faithful crew of beasts and humans at his side.

_“And they all lived happily ever after,” Jacob said. He’d snuck in whilst Tina was finishing her story, wrapping an arm around Queenie’s waist and pecking her on the cheek._

_“I wanna be a pirate!” Tristan declared._

_Tina grinned and winked at him. “Maybe when you’re older,” she said._

_“Now, even pirates need sleep.” Newt stood from where he’d perched on the edge of the mattress. “Goodnight, Tristan.” He brushed his hand over Tina’s shoulder as he left the room._

_“Sleep well,” Tina said, and followed Newt out._

_“All that swashbuckling has made me tired,” Newt said, his eyes gleaming with amusement, and she couldn’t help but smile at him. “Bed?”_

_“Aye, aye, Captain,” Tina murmured, and Newt drew her into a soft kiss._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading. Find me on [tumblr](https://theroguehuntress.tumblr.com/) if you wanna chat, or feel free to comment!


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